Erica Staab

The “Merry” Dilemma…

December 18, 2011 by Erica Staab

My brother

Christmas is coming and it brings so many pieces of joy, of light, but for many also of longing and pain.

I have had many conversations recently with people in the midst of various In-Between’s who are struggling with not feeling the joy, with feeling the pain of feeling disingenuous when saying “Merry Christmas”.

My first Christmas after my divorce and the death of my brother I simply didn’t.

I stopped saying “Merry Christmas”, the words felt so hollow, the pain so deep and the gap between joy and the darkness of my heart so wide. I allowed myself to say “you too” and offer a small smile, but there was no “Merry” that year… and that was okay. I wish someone would have told me that it was okay. I wish someone would have told me that it wouldn’t last forever, but that for right then, in those moments there was no “Merry”. I struggled with wanting to feel “Merry”, I wanted so desperately to be “normal”, I wanted to care, but there wasn’t enough energy left, there wasn’t room in my heart for any “Merry”.

My friend who had lost her daughter was telling me about a Christmas card she received where at the bottom of the card a well-meaning someone had written “I hope all is well”. Her eyes filed with tears and her voice broke as she shared the pain those words had caused. This is the second year without their daughter to celebrate and all is not well. Although the capacity to feel joy, to see beauty, to share love will increase right now it is overshadowed by the grief and loss. Those words stung- a reminder that life is permanently changed, there is a before and after and you aren’t in the place to see that it will ever be “well” again and that the loss looms so large.

Other friends are struggling with the desire for “perfect” Christmases when children are melting down, parents nerves are strung tight, and everyone just seems to be overwhelmed and overstimulated. We all need to remind each other to hold ourselves gently, to know that our efforts are enough, that even though it doesn’t always feel like it. The magic of Christmas is that grace weaves it’s way through the difficult moments, that often there is a sparkle of light when you least expect it, and that meaning can be found in the simple moments shared together. I invite you to remember the most memorable moments of Christmas for you and I doubt they have anything to do with the presents you received but more than likely with the time that is shared, the memories created while catching snowflakes on your tongue, sipping hot chocolate after making snow angels, or watching the snow fall like diamonds in the purple veil of night. Allow yourself the space to breathe, to be gentle with yourself and to be where you are. Which may or may not be “Merry”, and that is okay.

May you be held in the magic of the season, may the warmth and love of those in your life hold you close as you heal. May your brokenness feel a little less sharp, may your tears bring healing and hope and may your heart find the healing that it seeks.

If you are in the midst of grief I offer you these words:

You have permission to not say “Merry Christmas.”

You have permission to be frustrated, to be hurt and to be upset by well-meaning friends and family who don’t understand the depth of your pain, the place you are in or the difficulty this season might bring.

You have permission for the lights that are meant to bring hope instead to sting your heart and illuminate the gap between what you “want” and what you have.

You have permission to cling to the love of those that surround you, to take more than you give, to trust that someday you will be able to give again when life fills you and it is your turn to support, to offer hope, to be the light. You have permission for that time not to be now.

You have permission to feel great love in the midst of great loss.

You have permission to miss that person, place or thing that you have lost while holding a space in your heart for the possibility of what is yet to come.

You have permission to cry and to laugh and to remember and to share those memories.

And for those who are grieving the loss of someone you love…

You have permission to say their name, to bring up in conversation the memories, the love, the loss that you feel.

You have permission to not know where you are.

You have permission not to be “Merry”.

For those who are supporting those in the midst of grief:

Say the name of those we have lost knowing that your acknowledgment may bring tears, but know that is a part of the healing. Your remembering soothes our heart.

Acknowledge the struggle that this season may bring.

Ask us to share memories of those that we have lost, allow us the opportunities to remember the love, the laughter and the memories. Allow us space to keep the love alive in our heart.

Know that your presence is a gift in and of itself.

Know that we may cling to you for the love and light we are looking for – but you are not responsible for making us “Merry”.

Know that even though it doesn’t take the place of what was lost your love is enough.

Posted in Gifts, Grief, The In-Between | 5 Comments »

A gift…

December 17, 2011 by Erica Staab

Christmas Cactus from my Grandmother

I have been reminded time and time again that it is a gift to be used in the Service of Love.

May you bloom into your gifts, be of service and seek out love today and always.

Posted in Gifts, Uncategorized, Visible Love, Work in the World | Tagged christmas, christmas cactus, love | Leave a Comment »

Even the process is beautiful…

December 8, 2011 by Erica Staab

There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. Leonard Cohen

I was reading through something I had written a year ago and was struck by the clarity, the depth, and the authenticity of it.

At the time I didn’t feel clear at all. The words just fell onto the page and I just left them, too tired to “fix” them so they were “pretty and sparkly” (aka- perfect). I have been reminded recently that the more I try to control things, to rearrange them to fit what I “think” they should be- the more frustrated, overwhelmed and overstimulated I get- and the less clear things are.

It reminded me too, that if we allow ourselves the space and the safety to be brave, to be honest, to be open we often have the wisdom within us to find that next step. Even when we are swirling in the midst of chaos, if we are able to breathe deeply and tap into the core of our being, the Divine spark within us that knows that where we are is where we need to be will guide us there, one step at a time.

I am slowly remembering (again) to release my death grip on control and perfectionism and see the beauty in the process, in the midst of the In-Between.

So to my heart I vow:

I am no longer waiting to see the beauty until it is all cleaned up and sanitized accordingly- but instead see the beauty in the midst of the pain seeking the raw power of a vulnerable heart.

I am trusting in the process to be the important part, not the moment where you survey your work at the end of your life, instead the living the depth of it in the midst of it.

I am willing to believe that we can become strong in the broken places- and that light shines through in the cracks of our foundations and THAT can be beautiful.

I can give myself the same grace and forgiveness that I offer to others, and to surround myself with people who remind me when I forget.

To let these words apply to me too, not just everyone else:

We’re all stumbling towards the light with varying degrees of grace at any given moment.

Bo Lozoff

To remember even the process is beautiful.

Posted in Grief, Joy, Life as Prayer, Questions, Shifts, The In-Between | 2 Comments »

A Prayer for the In-Between…

December 5, 2011 by Erica Staab

A friend of mine wrote this prayer when she was looking for the words to soothe an aching heart and couldn’t find them.

Sometimes that is how the In-Between is… we may find what we need in other people, other’s words, and sometimes we need to write it ourselves, to seek our own healing, to seek our own inner wisdom, to take time to search for the hope held deep within ourselves.

Wherever you are in your In-Between may you find peace, may you find rest for the restless nights, may you find light in the midst of darkness, may you hold yourself gently as you navigate your journey.

May the God of unconditional love surround those that are hurting this Advent season. Loss of jobs, loss of loved ones, and loss of relationships can lead into a loss of hope. Help us to nurture the traditions that heal while creating new ways to honor those not physically present this year. As we fill our hearts with the songs of the season, fill our hearts with gentle compassion for the ones finding it hard to prepare for a Silent Night.

Amen.

~ Alison Feigh

Posted in Grief, Life as Prayer, The In-Between, Visible Love | 1 Comment »

This is what love sounds like…

November 21, 2011 by Erica Staab

A few of my loyal fans

Hard at work signing away!

This weekend was my first book signing at The Coffee Shop in my hometown and so many of my loyal fans stopped by to share their love and support. It was so much fun to have so many of my friends and family making a long journey (even through our first snowstorm of the winter!) to share the day with me. There were people from all parts of my life and as far away as Colorado! The journey to this day has been an amazing one, full of the depths of pain and loss and the heights of love overflowing and grace- and to be able to spend the day in celebration, sharing good coffee, good food, good conversation and lots of hugs was such a gift.

People kept streaming in, showing up with hugs, smiles and well wishes and it was such a reminder to me that there are so many people that are willing to celebrate with us, to share success, to support and to guide us through our lives. More often than not it is just a matter of extending the invitation. These are the same people who gathered me in love and held me as my life shattered and now they are coming to celebrate the weaving together of the broken pieces, sharing the journey in large and small ways.

I have gotten letters in the mail, phone calls, prayers, messages on my Facebook, on my blog, and special gifts that are constant reminders that we are held in so much love, even when we can’t see it or feel it. I have made it a practice to collect these magical moments to help me remember when the sadness creeps in, or when the love and support feel further away. Cards on my fridge, moments captured in my journal to read over when I need that reminder of all the support that surrounds me, a list of gifts that I add to every day to remind myself to stop and be thankful for all the gifts that surround me. All of these things have enabled me to be strong in the broken places, to remind myself of who I am when I have forgotten and to share the same support with others who need it. And that is really what the book was created to do, to be that gift, to be that voice, to share what I have been given.

After the official festivities were over I had invited everyone over to my house for food, conversation and fun. When I was in the other room getting the leaf to put in the table I stopped for just a minute and I heard the comingling of voices, the intermittent bursts of laughter, the voices I could instantly recognize and I just sat there for a minute taking it all in… this is my home that they are filling with love, this is my book signing party surrounded by all of my favorite people and what just kept on rolling over and over in my head was the phrase- “This is what love sounds like.”

Indeed this is what love sounds like.

Posted in Life as Prayer, The In-Between, Visible Love | 5 Comments »

Celebrating Your Someday…

November 14, 2011 by Erica Staab

My writing voice has been silent.

For the past four years I wrote nearly every day, and then recently I just stopped… the words stopped, I stopped coming to the page, I stopped letting that little voice dictate my waking moments… and yet, deep down I knew that was what I needed to do. To just live in this moment, to not have to capture all of the details, but to let the magic, the moments that have taken my breath away, the moments of pure joy and of excitement just bubble up. To have trust that in time I would come back to the page, that the words would bubble over, that I would again have something to say, to share. To trust that the words, the blogs and the books that I know are waiting will find their way- in time (which often isn’t the same as my time).

And it is busy, living my life, sending out books, responding to the heartfelt mail, e-mails and phone calls, building new relationships that this book is helping me to create and re-envisioning my priorities, my time, my relationships. It is a time of transition for me, of jumping into this new piece of me, of owning my writing voice, of sharing my gifts in a new way.

When I was transitioning from high school to college my best friend gave me a card with this quote from Rilke on it, words that I have went back to time and time again:

…I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903
in Letters to a Young Poet

Transition is all about living your way into the answer. For so long I had struggled with my purpose, I always knew Social Work was a piece of it, but it wasn’t everything, there was other things that were missing. And as I filled my life with other amazing pieces and experiences I would always think, yes this is a piece but it isn’t it- so I kept collecting. Then last week I was invited by a friend (who is now a professor at our alma mater) to speak to a Social Work Policy class about my life, about my adventures in social work and the policy realm and where life has taken me since Nora and I sat in that very same class dreaming about “someday”. “Someday” I’ll have stories like the professors have, “someday” I will have made a difference in someone’s life, “someday” I will be able to find and live out my purpose, “someday” I will move from learning about life to living it.

I was able to talk to the students about how one thing led to another, and what I had learned from the previous place I had woven into the new place, and somehow it all knit itself into this tapestry I call my life, where you can’t pull one thread without feeling the effects of all the others… the leadership I learned in Youth In Government, the respect for my body and healthy competition I learned playing high school sports, the love for learning that so many teachers instilled in me as I made my way through school, the love of friends and family that held me close in the midst of life’s twists and turns. And it occurred to me that as a combination of decisions, of taking advantage of the opportunities that others provided me, some that I created through my own hard work and determination, and some pieces that were nothing short of Divine Intervention- I now had interesting stories, I helped create and implement policy, I have held people’s hands in the middle of the night as they face their darkest hour, I have published a book, I have a loving network of support and so many other things that I had dreamed about “someday” having and being.

And as I was talking about speaking to the class with another friend she just stopped me, sighed and said “let’s celebrate that you are living your ‘someday'”.

So today I invite you to take a moment, to sit, to celebrate your someday moments. To be at peace that there will always be something you are living into the answers around, to enjoy the fact that as soon as you celebrate ‘someday’ it creates a place for new ‘somedays’ to be created. So today, celebrate your ‘someday’. And if today you are deep in the midst of muck may you “have patience with everything unresolved in your heart.” And may you know you are well on your way to living into the answers themselves.

Posted in Joy, Questions, Shifts, Work in the World | Leave a Comment »

10,000 Dreams…

October 29, 2011 by Erica Staab

Mitch and Daniel (one of my favorite pictures)

So these past few weeks with getting the books, starting the disseminating and sharing all of them has been amazing, powerful, overwhelming and lots of FUN!

People are sharing their stories of their response when they first read the book, letting me know their thoughts, letting me know they are proud of me for realizing a dream, telling me who they are going to get the book for and my personal favorite- I have been getting lots of great hugs!

A few of my favorite moments so far:

* At my celebration dinner after my first book signing our waiter turned to me and said softly “Wow, you are an author, that is amazing. Do you know how amazing that is? Can I touch it?” And when I laughed and said, “Of course”, he took my creation, my baby in his hands with such reverence. Here was this young man who didn’t even know me, but who wanted to celebrate, who wanted to share in a magical moment.

* Getting phone calls of people who are so touched by the book that they simply cry instead of speak, both of us knowing sometimes that words are simply inadequate.

* Seeing people’s smiles as they come up to give me a hug.

* Not being able to finish a meeting at the Coffee Shop because everyone was stopping by to say congratulations.

* Being able to have something in common with so many that is positive.

For so long after Mitch died it seemed that there was this immense outpouring of love and compassion, but the empty space was still there and the love that was given simply echoed in the emptiness. People were coming by to give hugs, love and support, yet there was an air of sadness and a heaviness that was so pervasive. With this it is so different. It is a celebration of a dream reached, there is a lightness, a sense of hope, there is an electricity that is contagious.

A warning to those of you who are stepping forward in bravery- chasing down and achieving dreams is addictive! The way this book became a reality was by setting little goals that ultimately led to this goal of holding my book in my hands. And since I am still riding high on completing that one I want to set another goal. I know the best way to achieve a goal is by telling people about it, people that can hold you accountable, people that can help you achieve it. So here it is, what I haven’t even allowed myself to voice out loud yet.

By August 7^th of 2012 I want to have sold 10,000 books.

2 reasons:

A large part of who I am is because I am a Minnesotan and as everyone knows Minnesota is the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Thus 10,000 seems like a fitting number.

August 7^th of 2007 is the day we lost Mitch, and I know to the depths of my toes that he would have been my biggest cheerleader in this effort.

One of his favorite songs was Imagine by John Lennon, and it seems fitting to set a lofty goal in his honor. Mitchell was a dreamer, a large heart in a lanky body that loved hard and lived fast. He would approve of me doing something that scared me, that stepped me out of my comfort zone. He was constantly pushing the limits of life, in true boy fashion he was drawn to anything that had wheels and could go faster than your mother would approve of and he was forever encouraging me to stop caring so much what others thought. “Erica- just live your life the way you want to.” So this is what I want, and I am going to drive fast and stop asking questions that get in the way of achieving dreams.

Another lesson I have learned along the way, you don’t always have to know the how, you just have to have the desire. I have found when it is right for me, when it is in service to the greater good, to my purpose here on earth it just unfolds. As long as I continue to show up, work hard and listen to that little voice of love that I hold inside my heart things work out and the next step appears.

I also know that in living out the question I will get my answers.

So how will I get to 10,000? I have a feeling that will be where the magic happens, where hard work on my part meets Divine inspiration and perfect placement. Where by releasing my best work into the world it will find it’s own way on it’s merits and a little help from my friends. Already it has begun to do what I have hoped from the beginning… after people get it, they read it and realize, oh wow, this applies to my mom, my friend, my sister, my aunt… because the truth of the matter is that there are so many times we are in the In-Between… healing, learning, loving, hurting, falling, rising, and growing… and this speaks to that place.

So if you are willing to help out please share this post, this book, this blog, this Facebook page.

And if you want to find out more about the book go here.

And if you have read it, if you have shared it with others I would love to hear your responses, your thoughts… by far that has been the best part of releasing this dream into the world… hearing how it has touched others. Leave your comments down below, or on the Facebook page, or by e-mail- compassioninallthings at gmail.com

Thank you for filling me up with your love, my heart is full to overflowing.

Posted in Grief, Joy, Questions, The In-Between, Work in the World | 4 Comments »

This is not the end of your story…

October 6, 2011 by Erica Staab

Leaves and Light

All too often when we are in the midst of deep pain we stop.

We stop breathing, we stop hoping, we stop wishing, wanting… the only thing it feels that won’t stop are the tears and the darkness that surrounds us.

And yet, there is a piece of us that always, even in the midst of the darkest night stretches out for that light, for that hope, for that deep breath. But at times that peace and certainty of a new tomorrow feels so far away.

When we are in the mist of chaos and pain our focus narrows, it becomes laser-like focusing only on the pain and darkness. We feel like this moment is the only moment that exists… and when we are knee deep in blessings, full of laughter and surrounded by joy we want to swim in it, we don’t ever want it to end… and there are the other times… these moments when we stop. We contract, we don’t allow anything in or out and the pain stretches out beyond what we can see.

It is those times we need to be reminded:

This isn’t the end of the story.

Often this is a new beginning, but it is important to honor the ending.

This pain won’t be this intense forever.

This hurt won’t last.

We will keep breathing, our hearts will keep beating.

It takes a skillful hand and heart to allow us to feel deeply the hurt, the pain, but yet hold this awareness. In those times we are desperate to hear those words- “it will get better,” “it won’t always be like this,” “just give it time”- … but not at the expense of belittling where we are… it is a delicate balance… this place of accepting where you are, and knowing you won’t be there forever. This balance of honoring the pain, the past, and stepping into a new future.

Nature does this so skillfully reminding us that we are constantly changing, unfolding, becoming, expanding and contracting.

This why I wrote the In-Between.

To be that voice, to help navigate the delicate balance between accepting where you are and knowing that this isn’t the end of your story.

Because this isn’t the end of your story.

Posted in Grief, The In-Between, Work in the World | 3 Comments »

Wisdom from Steve Jobs…

October 6, 2011 by Erica Staab

I was saddened to hear of the passing of Steve Jobs today… but I have also been moved as Facebook has lit up with people sharing quotes, pictures and memories. And it just solidifies what I already knew, but needed to be reminded of. People respond to passion, they respond to integrity, to quality, to leadership, to intellect, to kindness, to hope, to love.

People who have found their passion and live it out on a day to day basis shine- and his light shines brightly, even now in the midst of a dark night.

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

~ Steve Jobs

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

~ Steve Jobs

Mr. Jobs- Thank you for changing the world.

Posted in Grief, Life as Prayer, Visible Love, Work in the World | 2 Comments »

A Part of Something Bigger…

October 4, 2011 by Erica Staab

I Dare You

The Girl Effect Blogging Campaign is a collaborative effort of hundreds of bloggers coming together to write about The Girl Effect on October 4th, 2011.

“The Girl Effect is a movement. It’s social change in action. It’s about the unique and indisputable potential of adolescent girls to end poverty for themselves and the world.”

I chose to be one of the bloggers because I believe that we can help girls change the world.

I choose to support the Girl Effect because of these words “for themselves”… all to often when we want to “do good” in the world we swoop in, and try to fix things before asking the people what the problem is.

I remember hearing about a well-meaning effort of lots of wonderful people who had collected thousands of dollars for malaria nets, and they diligently held bake sales, provided car washes and collected for months to purchase these nets. When the aid workers got the nets they handed them out, and a young volunteer, fresh out of college, out to save the world, went to the small village to see how their group had ended malaria and bring back her stories to help motivate the community to invest in more nets. Instead she found that they were using the nets to fish because the people of the village were dying from hunger and the malnutrition put them at even higher risk for dying of malaria.

Good intentions, but they hadn’t stopped to get the wisdom of the villagers before they had jumped in to solve the problem.

But now, with this new knowledge, this community is providing training for everyone- for the local village person to work with the volunteer who works with the people back in her community- to help create lasting, meaningful change.

Now they are working to help end poverty, end malaria and to provide hope.

Having spent 15 years as a Social Worker I know better than to think one movement, one focus, one effort will save the world. But I also believe that people want to do good things, I believe that most people want to effect change in the world, I believe in the goodness of people, in the purity of their intention.

I believe that there is still hope.

I believe that our good acts, our faith, our kindness, our hope strings together a safety net that keeps people from drowning in fear, in isolation, in poverty, in desperation.

I believe that little actions make a difference.

I believe in the power of people coming together.

It struck me in the video that “When an educated girl earns an income she invests 90% of it into her family, compared to 35% for a boy. Yet 99.4% of international aid money is not directed to her.” This is why I believe in microfinance, allowing people that historically haven’t been given the chance to mold their own future. I have witnessed with my own eyes what happens when you give people opportunity, when you invest in someone’s dream, when you say “you matter, I see you, you mean something to me- even if I don’t know you, I believe in you.”

My friends and I have been getting together for the past few years once every few weeks to have brunch, to catch up on each others lives, support one another and share in all of the ups and downs of our lives. For the past year we have been talking about how we could do something more meaningful than sit around with our mimosa and bemoan the woes of the world, we wanted to do something. So we decided that every time we get together we will all chip in an extra $5 that we will then turn around and invest it in another woman who needs our support. And thus the Ladies Who Brunch was born.

Recently we invested in Raquel on Kiva.org (and if you aren’t familiar with Kiva go check it out!)

Our loan of $25 isn’t going to change the world, but it did just change Raquel’s world, and when she repays it it will change another, and in the meantime we will find another person to invest in and the ripple effect continues… much like the Girl Effect.

Invest in girls and the whole world changes.

When I feel overwhelmed by an issue, wondering where to even begin I always think of one of my favorite quotes from Mr. Rogers:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.”

If anyone wants to join the Girl Effect blogging campaign, or to read other people’s posts click here to be amazed, inspired and touched by all of the helpers, and bear witness to the good that is happening in the world.

Spread the word.

Change a life.

I dare you.

Posted in Microfinance, Work in the World | 5 Comments »

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