Erica Staab

There is an adorable e-mail that goes around every so often about how 4-8 year olds responded when they said “What Does Love Mean?”

One of my favorites is this one:

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.  You know that your name is safe in their mouth.”

It reminds me of my friend who calls her grandmother every week, and every week her grandmother responds the same way, with a lilt in her voice and sheer joy that she is calling.  What a gift to be received like that, to be celebrated each time you call.  One of the many ways that grandparents make our lives better.  So often now that the demands of life have transitioned and they no longer have the priorities that can so often get in the way it leads to the ultimate priority- sharing love.  Speaking from my experience, I think the greatest gift that grandparents give is to love without reservation, to celebrate their grandkids as the most amazing thing since sliced bread, to give lots of hugs and provide a place of comfort and safety.  It is my wish that everyone have that experience either from their biological grandparents or the ones that they have adopted in their heart.

When my parents were going to visit my grandpa in the hospital one day they took my niece who is “4 but almost 5” up to visit as well.  She had made a Get Well Card for him and on the inside she had drawn this picture:

Art by Annabelle

But what struck me about it wasn’t the picture- adorable and advanced beyond her years as it may be (as a doting aunt I am required to say such things ;)), what got to me was when I had asked her to explain it to me.

“This is me, and this,” she said sighing as she touched his picture lovingly she paused for a moment to look at me “this is great-grandpa” and with a silly little smile and his name safe in her mouth she said with every cell of her being what we as adults long to say but so often hold back.

To love, to hold another’s name safe in your mouth is perhaps the most important thing we can do for one another.

“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.”
― Anne Lamott

Another Erica experiment that I have been undertaking is what would it look like if I didn’t wear my superhero cape.  This can be somewhat difficult given that I have always identified myself as the “helper”.  In photos of me as a child I was always the one who at 3 years old was holding a baby half my size, I was the one who people would come to for help, for assistance, for comfort, for guidance.  And loved every minute of it, I lived to be able to be of service, to be able to comfort and save.  But there were also pieces that weren’t so wonderful.  By focusing on everyone else it often meant I neglected myself and my needs.  For a long time I didn’t even acknowledge that I had needs because I was so busy making sure everyone else’s were met.  I violated my own boundaries to maintain those of others, I allowed people to drink from my glass without taking the time to refill it and when I was empty wouldn’t go to another to help replenish but instead wonder why I felt tired, depleted and low energy.  And those around me often didn’t feel the love that I felt for them because I was to busy trying to save everyone at the expense of those closest to me.

After a series of “unfortunate events” I realized that I didn’t want to live like that any more.  That I had to figure out a new way of being of service, of giving, of being who I am, but also learning what that really meant.  Although I knew how to skillfully help other people live out who they were, to bring out the best of themselves I didn’t apply the same things to myself.

What would it look like if I didn’t believe I was here to save the world, but merely to participate in it.  What would it look like if I stood there and shone vs. running all over the island.  What would it look like if I invited people to save themselves and instead shone the light of love, compassion, space, and kindness and belief in their inherent worth and ability to save themselves.